I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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