I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
