Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
