I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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