Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
