I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
