i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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