Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
