Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize