we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize