If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
