when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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