she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
