My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
