my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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