That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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