What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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