Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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