I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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