I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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