I think I died a long time ago.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
