FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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