At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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