i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
