I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize