I'm gonna have a badass scar
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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