He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
