Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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