i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
even my farts smell like vagina
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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