Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
