Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
