I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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