She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
this beer tastes like vomit already
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
