The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
