Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
