nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
