yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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