Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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