btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
