I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
