i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
