I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
