So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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