Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
