mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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