Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
