I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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