i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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