The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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