It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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