Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
