a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
