When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
