im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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