Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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