i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was born a porn star she said
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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