They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize