last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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