you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
