when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
