Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
