I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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