is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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